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PASSED MY FTT!! :)

YAY PASSED MY FTT! I MUST PROCLAIM TO THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE I ONLY STUDIED ON THE DAY ITSELF! So, i know it’s not me, it’s Him!

I was panicking even till i saw the qns during the test. Because i know i wasn’t prepared well. And some qns of the test i’ve never seen before! So along the way, i counted my possibly wrong answers. I’m sure there was at least 5 wrong. But i was still hoping maybe i can get at least 45/50. But with that little faith, i thought “sian, sure cannot make it. Sure need to wait another 2 months for this test again.”

And the guy beside was dang weird!! He came late and acted weirdly. During the test, he suddenly said “2!” to himself, i hope. I was lazy to check my answers. So i just pressed “submit”.

TO MY AMAZEMENT AND AMUSEMENT, I’VE GOT 50/50, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I PASSED!!! ***Fireworks***

I know it’s really by His grace that i can even pass. It was really quite hard!! Felt bad for not trusting Him in the first place, now i wanna boast and trust only in Him for my practical test in February! 🙂

P.S. Thank You, J – for everything, even when i didn’t trust in you.

Guilt

Even though the finger isn’t really that big, I feel like that when condemnation keeps reminding me how sinful I am.

Know i shouldn’t blame myself. I thought i claimed the truth already. I thought i understood freedom already. I thought i believed it fully already. But when negative thoughts and words from others came, i then realised that i didn’t believe totally in His word.

I still feel guilty. I still blame myself. And i know the only way to be freed from this chain, is to still seek for His whisper. Though i cant believe His word totally yet (not because His word isn’t true, but because my faith in Him isn’t there fully), i know i can believe that He will speak to me and answer my prayers. I believe that with all my heart.

As much as humans judge flaws and beings, they aren’t the ultimate Judge. I just wanna grow to be more and more blameless in His eyes. As much as i wanna remain feeling guilty and blame myself all the way, i know that’s not what He wants. So i just wanna give it all back to Him, because i know He will take care of all of them.

P.S. J, please heal me according to your will. I wanna wait on you, no one else.

Grace – Laura Story

Thank You for Limin, if not i would probably never chance upon this song. Really am grateful and thankful that i still can worship and seek You every single day. Thank You so so so much for Your grace. I love you.

Revival

WOAHHHHHH, so super long never come here already. But i know each time i come back (especially if it’s not updated for months already), it’s because God spoke either big time or small time to me. And here’re some sharings of my life thus far:

This year, i had many many experiences till date. Most roller-coaster rides of my life. And i conclude that my lows are mostly caused by relational issues. Just met my lowest recently. And yup, about relationships again.

Had a super minor argument with my mum, again. Bombed. Couldn’t take her change in character/personality anymore. Hate it when her words are 90% about $$$. When i grow up, i definitely would share half of my kids’ allowance with my spouse. I’m not saying this in anger or for fun. I really really mean it. Never believed in “guys should pay for everything” concept.

Been so affected by so many thingsssssss this year. And it’s taking a toll on me. I just blame myself for not being secured/wise. I enjoy sinning honestly. But i hate the consequences and those unseen torture within me. I just wanna get back to 2010, where by i lived my life solely on the bread of life. The process may be tough, but fruits came along smoothly. Because it’s just a natural thing when you obey J.

Then, i became prideful and complacent. Focused on other right things not with the right heart attitude and intentions. Thought i’m good enough to fight against the devil. Lost every single time without learning any lesson. Learnt it the hard way though – affecting those whom i care for.

Kept falling into the same temptations again and again. Super insecure this year. HATE IT!!! But i thank God that i still desire to change for the better. I once told my bestie this before: “Once you have tasted even just a pinch of God’s goodness, there’s no way you can find anything better than that, that satifies your soul or the hole in your heart.” NOTHING! Even when i’m at the lowest point of my life, i still believe this so so so much.

Yes, the enjoyment of sins without repentance sucks, but living without God sucks even more. Totally tried to test this, totally experienced my soul losing it’s purpose on Earth. NOT TO THE FULLEST AT ALL.

Really really thank God that at least my desire to change is still there to keep me going. I’m taking this step by step. But i know that if from the start, I slowed down my steps or even stop them, i would start turning back, sometimes unknowingly. As determined as i am, i know i still need to rely on Him for EVERY SINGLE DECISION I MAKE. Can’t do this with only my own strength.

Cutting this short, i just pray that after tmr’s run/healthy low-carbo diet’s plan and etc, i will have more breakthroughs with Him. Also, i don’t wanna be ready to receive from God during camp, i wanna be ready before camp!

P.S. I’m sorry for those who knowingly or unknowingly have been affected by me. The only way to show that i really want to be blameless and repentant is to solely rely on Him and let Him transform me with His own love. I’m looking forward to His healing, love, grace and discipline. Thank you, J, in advance! 🙂

Genting

YAY!! I’M BACK TO BLOGGING!

I just came back from Genting (yes, this is my 1st time to Genting at the age of 18+)! God spoke so much to meeeeeeeeeeee, like a mini camp. And that is why i’m back to blogging! Blogging helps me to reflect, record and remember!! So excited to see this blog revived again! And also, myself. 🙂

I don’t care if anyone still comes, but this is a mini journal for my daily life~ If you still do, hope you see a bit of me each time! 🙂

He is for me

He backed me up when i was falling. Not to let me fight my struggles, but to cover my weaknesses with His assurance. Because the root issue is not the problem, but the heart. He need not be against anyone, but He is for me. Truly, only He can transform lives. No better way to thank Him than to let Him work in me and through me.

Love You, Hate Everything Else

 

 

 

 

I really really really really love you. “Really” is not enough to describe Love. In a stronger sense, if loving you requires me to hate everything else, i would.

Obstacles =/= The End

On the last night of 10S24 Chalet, we played Blind Mice. Halfway through, one of the beds sank down suddenly when alot of us stood on it. We thought it was the end. Fortunately, the plank just slanted in, so the guys fix it back. Then it happened again and again. Just waiting for someone to say “Let’s stop playing.” In my heart, i was thinking: “Yeah, later needa pay, not worth it.” Until i suddenly thought of this alternative: “Eh we roll on the bed, don’t stand or jump.”

Everyone tried to remember this “rule” and continued to play. A few of us forgot once in a while because the game was too exciting. I remembered myself reminding them many times, because i really was worried that the bed will break. I forgot if the bed gave way again or not, but i remembered that we stopped the game because everyone was tired.

I learnt something from this. Call me weird or what. But after everything was calm, i was talking to myself inside:

Persecutions/Obstacles may come. We can choose to give up or to change to alternatives. Though it may not be as effective as it will be without those obstacles, just like when there are persecutions, it is harder to spread the good news.

1. Obstacles:
   We can choose to stop playing when these obstacles become more and more obvious and tempting.
   We can choose to stop serving when persecutions from our close friend/family surface.
   
2. Consequences of not giving up:
   The bed may break, people may get injured.
   Parental objections, losing of family/friends, results, commitments like CCA may not be as good as others.
   
3. Alternatives instead of giving up:
   Rolling on the bed instead of standing/jumping/running on it. Sitting only? Lying only? No more than 2 on the bed?
   Prioritising, time management, integrity, using love to transform others, being accountable to whom you trust/family.
4. Outcome:
   You can break the bed, continue to play, still have fun, pay the price later. Or make use of alternatives to continue to have fun with the risks of still breaking the bed. Or just stop playing without trying other methods to prevent paying the price.
   You can heck what the world says/thinks of you, continue to serve and love Him, still trusting in Him, but sacrificing in pain, still going to Heaven. Or make use of alternatives to continue to struggle powerfully with Him with risks of unexpected hurts (sometimes, the world persecute you not because the Bible says so, but because your actions/life isn’t honouring Him). Or give up serving without trying to let go and let Him with your 100%.

God doesn’t want to change your circumstances, He wants to change you.

*Click Pause*

So many things in my mind that each time on the spot, i hope i can scan my thoughts into this blog. Maybe in the future, there will be such technology. But meanwhile let the inventors crack their brains and me sip my coffee.

Back to real stuff. What a 2 years of jc life. Be it what i’ll be doing after getting my results, i want to click *pause* now. Ask me to sum up these 2 yrs in my mind, most of it will be about 2011. Sooooooooo many things happened – be it my heart, my life, my family, my attitude, my thoughts, my almost-everything. When i *pause* all these, everything brings me back to one question – What will i say to Jesus when He comes back?

All these will fade away. I just want to live my life, not wasted.

Make me a servant, my heart ever true.